Or how to connect with people
What to do?
Observation: When we want to speak about anything we should tell neutral, without judging what we have seen/heard, in any case, don’t judge people. So the auditorium can understand us. If the auditorium responds emotionally with blaming, still, we remain neutral and ask:
Why or what had hurt his/her feelings?
What is the hurting component?
If we do so, we connect with the other person!
Feelings: We tell how we feel about that subject so that we can connect. If we get a negative feedback with abusing (we remain neutral), again we ask:
What has the other person understood?
How he/she had interpreted what we have said?
So that we can understand the other person.
Needs: We communicate what we need at that moment, on information, feedback from the other person,- clear and concise.
Request: We say what we want from that other person, make it Clear! For instance, please help me… If the other person saying: No to our request, we accept that. Maybe we can ask if he/she can do something else for us?
For instance: I applied for a job as a student at a big Coffee producer. We had been about 50 students (females and males). The job description was just to pack the coffee and Cocoa packages. The supervisor addressed me and said; you look very strong, for you is the best to work in the production (this means very hard work). I didn’t like that and was complaining that this is not after the description of the job. This means, I was hurt and my needs were to work together with these cute female students and have fun with them… The supervisor just embraced me, could understand my feelings and console me. This was the perfect response from a natural human being … Many times discussing doesn’t work out, when feelings are hurt; just this loving embracing from a hard, strong looking guy made everything easy. All we need is love and compassion. His needs was a strong guy, so he explained my work to mix the Nesquik chocolate powder (18 tons/every day) and that I get the highest salary. He requested my help, and my request was to earn big money and not to work 3 shifts like the other students… Everything was solved within minutes. That is non-violent communication.
If we apply these non-violent communications, we should never use the words… you should, or I deserve… because then we are not neutral and don’t let the other person a choice. We don’t force the other person to our outcome; nor we will give any advice, without the permission of the other person. If the other person is getting emotional, -angry, sad… we just breathe deep in and out, relax and look what the other person really want.
Even the other person don’t want to fulfill our request we remain neutral…
Our goal is always to connect with people and not to manipulate or misuse a person for our desires.
If we together with our spouse/friends/kids/parents, look in the eyes and just embrace, give a lovely kiss when the other person is hurt, instead of discussing…!!!!! Even better we can do that always… So the world becomes better!!!!